The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Marriage is part of human life. Many people engage in it while others choose to remain single. There are so many ups and downs in marriage and a few willing and understanding people overcome the challenges of marriage. Just like many other philosophers, John Gottman is not exceptional in those who have tried to assist people solve relationship matters. He offers so many suggestions that have helped many relations coming to an end have a second chance and chapter. In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he offers remedies that lead forth towards a long-lasting and harmonious relation. The book tries to show up a number of what it defines as myths about marriage and the reasons behind their fail. The paper will review the book to outline its content and application in marriages.
John analyzes seven different principles with the intention of maintaining existing marriages, as well as bringing together the ones that are already ruined. He first outlines the issue of enriching love maps as the first principle. It is whereby one uses love maps to acquire more understanding of his or her spouse. Love maps are important since they enable spouses to store important data regarding their partners. Information such as the issues that worry their spouses, the ones that give them hope, as well as their goals. John acknowledges that realization of the important information enables spouses to improve admiration and fondness.
John also analyzes nurturing admiration and fondness as an important principle of making a marriage work. It is whereby an individual meditates on the issues that are liked by their spouses. The book further gives detailed information about the principle advising married couples to appreciate their spouses and ensure that they realize the appreciation. It includes things such as thinking about experiences that they have passed together and acknowledging a good action from their spouses. It is a principle that brings a feeling of recognizing in the family resulting to a workable marriage.
In the book, John emphasizes on the principle of turning to one another. With the principle, he intends to educate his readers the importance of spouses connecting with one another and being there for one another while one of them has some minor issues, challenges or important events such as birthdays, family anniversaries and other markable events in the life of the spouse. In the principle, he further puts it clear that spouses should always respond in support to their spouses in public and while with friends. They should extend attention and exercise humor while together as a way of giving their love a fertile land for growth.
Accepting influence is a principle that John believes that it has the ability to make marriages work. It is whereby two adults come together from different backgrounds and different reasoning capabilities. Each of the spouses has his strong points as well as quick points. The book advice married couples to accept influence from their spouses especially the influence that can change their weak point. The author quotes it as sharing of power. It is whereby while making different decisions, the spouses come together and bring forward their opinions regarding the matter. Here, the two are able to make the right decisions through accepting influence from the spouse who have better reasons and facts to his or her opinion.
The book also ensures that it sheds light in explaining conflict resolution models. John offers the explanation through his principle stating that couples should always solve the problems that can be solved. It is evident that on regular instances, individuals living together experience conflict or misunderstanding several times in life. John explains that for a marriage to work, the spouses must be able to address their problems and create a soft startup procedure of solving them. Here, they should always feel ready to make a discussion about the disagreement without victimization of criticizing one person. It is essential for the two to make comments that are straight forward about the concerned matter. Each one should feel free to express his or her feeling and suggest a positive solution that will satisfy the two. Married adults should also address their problems avoiding negativity and the fact of going beyond control. In a marital language, the book suggests that spouses should soothe their partners and tolerate their faults.
The sixth principle described by John is the essence of couples forming a shared importance. Today, individuals marry from different communities, backgrounds, social classes, as well as different religions. However, despite the different ways of doing things in the past after marriage the couple must start doing things the same way. Shared meaning is a principle used by John to mean same spiritual dimension where the couple creates an inner life together. After marriage, the couple should decide on whose culture to follow, the rituals to adopt, but still appreciate each other. They should create a common goal and ensure that each member is assigned a role that is important towards reaching their goal. According to the book, when two people get married to each other, they become one under the unity of family bond. In addition, creating a shared meaning ensures that people are working together and accepting one another. It is an issue that results to minimal conflicts, less perpetual problems, and less intense.
The last principle in the list of John is a basic idea to help marriages withstand pressure. He calls the principle of overcoming gridlock. The key idea in the book is minimizing conflict and bringing home a workable solution, better understanding and a happy life among the couples. However, in different occasions, gridlock occurs among spouses. It makes an individual feel that he or she is rejected by the most important person in his or her life. It makes most of the people keep discussing the issue hence preventing them from moving on. At times, gridlock makes many to do things that they have been avoiding for the whole of their lives. Discussions about the matter increase the feeling of frustration since most of the people ends up being more hurt. It prevents people from participating actively in marriage and eliminates happiness in marriage. During conversations, affected person offers minimal assistance preventing the family from excelling of getting over challenging issues. According to John, gridlock is a matter that can disconnect the emotional attachment in a family. Therefore, couples should always be ready to motivate one another and have the will to avoid and overcome gridlock. In addition, each person should avoid promoting gridlock in his or her spouse.
To sum up, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is a book that offers various principles that can be used to establish a long-lasting relationship in marriage. In the beginning, the author analyzes different myths that are related to marriage and the reasons as to why they all failed. The book focuses on human beings as social beings who require addressing their marriage issues in a simple way without overlooking the small things that happen in the day-to-day life of married couples. Emphasizes on love, fondness, acceptance, and addressing problems is made in the book as the basis of most of the principles. A close follow-up of the principles can contribute towards establishing a good marriage that can last for many years.